Everything You Need to Know About BDSM

BDSM, or Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism is a sexual practice that includes a variety of sexual identities and activities. BDSM is often regarded as this dark, freaky, non-normal kind of sexual preference, often forcing its players to retreat into the shadows and stick to carefully curated communities alienated from the majority of society.

BDSM participants identify themselves in one of three main ways: dominant, submissive, and switch (as oscillating between the first two). It’s important to remember that all of these identities are fluid and continuous, and can change depending on the participants’ mood or partner.

What is BDSM?

Bondage: A form of restricting a sexual player’s movement, for example, by ropes or handcuffs. This kind of restrainment can increase sexual enjoyment for some, and induce somatosensory (of warmth, coolness, pressure, pain) feelings in different areas of the body.

Discipline: A series of rules and punishments — all agreed upon before a sexual encounter begins — for a (usually) dominant partner to exert control over and dictate the actions of their (usually) submissive partner. The above-mentioned bondage can be a form of, and a vehicle for, discipline.

Dominance: The act of dominating a sexual partner, both in and out of sex. Sometimes, dominants have arrangements with their sexual partners in which they dictate (with the others’ consent) not only their partners’ behavior in bed but also behavior out of it — from food habits to sleep patterns.

Submission: The act of a submissive following their dominant’s actions. They have as much control over deciding what happens to them as their dominant does, even more so, perhaps. Communication between the dominant and submissive is of utmost importance, as that’s where boundaries are set, desires are shared, and permission is given.

Sadism and Masochism, or Sadomasochism: The pleasure that a BDSM participant derives from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism); this could also manifest as emotional pain in the form of humiliation. Yes, BDSM can be violent — if the word ‘violent’ is stripped of all negative associations. Called intense sensation play, BDSM can involve hitting, pinching or causing any other physical harm to a sexual partner — but this is all consensual. Consent is the key to a healthy expression of sado-masochism, with an understanding between all partners that the activity could stop at any moment should anybody be uncomfortable with the intensity of play.

How do people engaging in BDSM deal with consent?

Consent — when given in an uncoerced, enthusiastic, clear manner with boundaries outlined — makes a BDSM encounter a safe and inclusive sexual experience for all partners. Consent and boundaries can be outlined in a formal contract, a verbal agreement or a casual conversation. Consent is also not absolute — the desires and comfort of sexual players in BDSM are of the utmost value; if a player is uncomfortable anytime before or during the experience, they can easily revoke the consent, and other players must respect the change of heart. This can be done through previously agreed upon safe words, which when said, signal others to stop.

Limits, or boundaries, also take many forms: soft limits are activities with which a BDSM player is uncomfortable but might be willing to try. Safewords are especially important here. Hard limits, on the other hand, are a complete no-no under all circumstances.

Can BDSM be incorporated into vanilla sex?

BDSM can take many shapes — it is not only categorized by whips and leather, as seen in most pop culture depictions. The desire for discipline, sadomasochism, dominance or submission is an innate feeling, which can then translate to a variety of actions, be they light spanking or biting, using fuzzy handcuffs, even denying a partner an orgasm. Kink is a state of mind, and BDSM provides a wide spectrum that can accommodate the sexual desires of different intensities.

What makes someone inclined toward BDSM?

Kink, and the desire to engage in BDSM, can either be an innate desire, much like a child learning they’re queer, or, a kinky person can slowly realize their identity over time. People who don’t necessarily have the kink gene, so to speak, can find BDSM later in life — perhaps to spice up their relationships, or to find excitement in their sexuality.

Does undergoing trauma lead to an interest in BDSM?

Trauma itself isn’t a catalyst for a desire to engage in BDSM. However, BDSM can provide an encouraging and safe framework for trauma survivors, who might want to overcome their trauma by enacting it again — this time with control over the outcome. The usual care, respect, and communication that members of BDSM communities extend toward each other also make it a safe space for trauma survivors to assert and explore their sexuality.

Is everyone polyamorous in BDSM communities?

No, not necessarily. BDSM is alternative sexuality — that is, it deviates from what society considers the norm. Naturally, BDSM is also accepting of other alternative sexualities, such as polyamory (or consensual non-monogamy). BDSM communities are also welcoming of all queer sexualities. While a conflation or generalization of all alternate sexualities coalescing with each other is not fair — a dom-sub relationship could be monogamous, for instance — there is a definite overlap, as marginalized groups find acceptance with each other.

From detailed, comprehensive conversations before an act of BDSM to delineate boundaries and assert sexual needs, to open and honest communication and care after the act, the ethics of BDSM encompass a safe, respectful environment that can allow for unabashed exploration of sexual identity.

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BDSM Culture Can Make Women More Assertive In Work, Relationships

“I don’t know how to explain it … but I have more clarity the morning after. It’s come to a point where my partner and I ensure we engage in a play scene before any big meetings I have. It really gives me the boost I need.”

R.P. is a 32-year-old consultant living in Mumbai. When she joined a high-powered consulting firm seven years ago, she found herself struggling to keep up with the pace and make herself heard.

“Around the same time, I got into a relationship with a man who was into BDSM [bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism] and kink play. He introduced me to it and I instantly took a liking to it,” R.P. says. “Surprisingly, I found myself gravitating towards the role of the Dominant. Within the confines of a loving and safe space with a partner I trusted, I was able to assert myself in ways I couldn’t outside my bedroom. Slowly, I began to notice that especially on days after we had engaged in a play scene, I would feel more focussed, composed and clear-headed. It was almost as if the satisfied feeling I felt in bed, in that position of power, flowed over the next day. I feel like I know more about myself — my mind and my body.”

According to recent research by Dr. Brad Sagarin, a professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University, kinks such as BDSM alter the blood flow pattern in the brain, creating altered states of consciousness. For those who assume the dominant position in BDSM, these mental states are called “flow” — the term popularized by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. Flow is defined as an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” It’s a state of hyperawareness, laser focus, and euphoria, which resonates with R.P.’s experience. “I just feel more brave, if that makes sense,” she says. Sagarin’s research confirms just that. The study found that people who regularly experience flow as an effect of dominant BDSM roles report improved concentration, clarity about goals, decision-making skills, and listening and intuitive skills. They also demonstrate lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, less self-consciousness and less aversion to risk.

The study also found those taking on submissive roles in BDSM play experience “transient hypofrontality,” a peaceful, dreamlike state, often compared to a runner’s high or described as being “in the zone.” Creativity and productivity peak in this state of decreased self-awareness.

R.P. explains how her female friends from the free BDSM dating site have discussed this before: “Sometimes when we share — and we’re all doms — our experiences with each other, we all agree that we are in a great mood throughout the next day and feel more energized and creative. It’s like a strange high, knowing what we did the previous night.”

People who experience either of these altered mental states report higher levels of happiness, creativity, and productivity for up to three days after, according to research by Harvard University professor Teresa Amabile. They also report transferring the focus, confidence, concentration, and decision-making skills of BDSM into everyday life. It is no wonder, then, that people who engage in BDSM are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection, and have higher subjective well-being outside the bedroom, according to a 2016 study on the psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners.

Additionally, partners who engage in sadomasochism are more connected and more intimate than those who do not engage in it, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The honest expression of one’s fantasies and desires, and consensually, respectfully and safely executing that as a BDSM scene, requires a high level of communication and trust between partners — a feature regularly absent from non-kinky or “vanilla” sex, as the BDSM community calls it.

“My boyfriend and I have definitely become much closer since we started exploring this space together. We don’t lie to each other in our relationship — white lies not included, and even those we mostly confess — because the trust between us is the same, inside and outside the bedroom,” says R.P. “There’s very little drama and if we ever fight, we usually resolve it by talking to each other. But it almost never reaches that point because every day, in a way, we tell each other about what it is that we want from the other person and what we don’t. It’s like learning how to negotiate with another person.”

Women have traditionally been discouraged from developing such open and clear communication skills. In 2018, former dominatrix, Kasia Urbaniak started The Academy, a school to teach women the “foundations of power and influence” via month-long female empowerment sessions in New York. Speaking to The Guardian, she says: “It’s about the communications that women carry that either make them go speechless, or afraid of coming across as too bossy or too needy.” Urbaniak explains that by being in the dominant role of BDSM, women learn to project their strength and attention outward. It’s a skill they can then use to flip the power dynamic in the outside world, where women are forced to turn their attention inward, with self-doubt and over-analysis.

A barrage of recent research hints at the effects of empowerment via BDSM: people with sexual kinks or fetishes, such as BDSM, group sex, or role-play, have better mental health, less psychological stress, higher self-worth, and more satisfying relationships.

Not everyone is convinced of BDSM’s benefits, however. The feminist sex wars over BDSM’s potential for women’s empowerment rage on, with one side seeing BDSM as a way to explore and enable female sexuality, and the other side seeing it as yet another manifestation of the hyper-masculine, patriarchal order’s violent idea of sex. But, as a black lesbian poet and feminist writer Audrey Lorde puts it in a personal essay, embracing the erotic fosters a deep and irreplaceable “self-connection and fearless underlining of [one’s] capacity for joy.” Released of social context, when examined in individual’s lives and homes, BDSM seems to allow, well, release. And that kind of release writes Lorde, “flows through and colors my life with a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all my experience.”

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11 BDSM Games Everyone Should Try at Least Once

If you’re curious about trying BDSM, it might be tempting to run out right now and spend a paycheck on leather gear. But it’s important for newbies to start with the basics. Take time to carefully explore each kink that makes up BDSM—bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism—and pencil in time to go over safety words and limits beforehand. “A lot of people have this idea that BDSM is wild and unrestricted, but there's a great deal of education and care that goes into doing BDSM properly,” says Vanessa Marin, Los Angeles-based sex therapist and creator of Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm.

Couples who really are brand spanking new (ugh, sorry) might want to try these entry-level BDSM games suggested by Marin and Lanae St. John, a sexologist and a professor of human sexuality at City College of San Francisco.

1. To start off with, Marin suggests a simple “Yes sir/ma’am” during sex.

Not only is it super-hot, but using dirty talk to experiment with dominant and submissive roles is a low-pressure way to figure out which roles you each prefer.

2. Have a kink-themed game night to locate non-vanilla erogenous zones on each others’ bodies.

Find a set of erotic dice that display a body part along with an action to be performed. You might roll some laughable combinations (pinch a toe?), but you might also find hot spots in places you’d never expect.

3. Use a blindfold on one partner during foreplay or sex.

It puts the blindfolded partner completely at the mercy of the seeing one, and the restricting sight makes all the other sensations erotically heightened. A silk sash or men's tie can also work great here.

4. While the blindfolded partner lies down, the seeing partner runs a feather, fingernails, fur, or leather over their skin.

St. John and Marin both recommend this kind of sensory play for beginners. Take your time and really tease your partner.

5. Ramp up the intensity with temperature play.

Run an ice cube over their stomach, give them a warm oil massage or drip melted candle wax on their stomach. (But not the Anthro candle on your nightstand! St. John points out that you should find a candle specifically meant for this play at your local sex shop. They're usually labeled "massage candles" just FYI.)

6. If hair-pulling and spanking are already your go-tos during sex, have the spanker swap out his/her hand for a paddle or wooden kitchen spoon.

Adding some sort of accessory, even if it's not overtly sexy, can be a huge turn-on. Good luck ever looking at your kitchen the same way again!

7. Role plays a scenario inspired by the power dynamic that turns you on.

Now that you’re more familiar with what you both like, apply it to a passionate scene (i.e. “stern teacher disciplining the naughty student”). If the idea of improv stresses you out, come up with a few lines beforehand to get things going.

8. Try a discipline-oriented sexting game in which the dominant partner creates a set of rules and restrictions for the submissive partner to follow.

Like what to wear to work, what to order for lunch. For each rule they break, they get a specific punishment that evening.

9. Tease each other visually with latex, leather, or pleather fetishwear.

A corset, super-tight “hobble skirt” (think Morticia Addams), high platforms—anything that makes you feel sexy. Studies have shown that feeling confident in your body is directly linked to female orgasm, says Marin. For a specifically submissive and/or gender-neutral option, try a collar.

10. Restrain the submissive partner’s wrists with a tie, allowing the partner on top to fully take charge.

When tying the restraints, Marin cautions to make sure to keep two fingers' worth of space between the restraint and the skin to avoid nerve damage. Eventually, you can graduate to four-point restraints (both wrists and ankles) and/or bondage handcuffs.

11. Don’t forget aftercare!

After a powerful game, the submissive partner can sometimes experience a steep endorphin crash, and the dominant partner’s role in this phase is to give them lots of TLC. Take a moment to cuddle and decompress. This is also the time to check in with each other and discuss the experience. What did you enjoy the most? Did anything surprise you? What would you want to experiment further and try for next time? Good BDSM play puts just as much emphasis on communication before, during, and after sex.

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