What Kind of People Enjoy BDSM

BDSM players are as sexually and emotionally healthy as the general population.

Italian researchers recently surveyed the sexuality of 266 Italian men and women who enjoy bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism (BDSM). The study population ranged in age from 18 to 74 and averaged 41. The researchers also surveyed 200 demographically similar men and women not involved in BDSM.

The two groups reported similar feelings about their sexuality, but the BDSM players reported less sexual distress and greater erotic satisfaction. The researchers said they hoped their study would “reduce the stigma associated with BDSM.”

How Popular Is BDSM?

In 2015, Indiana University researchers surveyed a representative sample of 2,021 American adults. Many said they’d tried some elements of BDSM: spanking (30 percent), dominant/submissive role-playing (22 percent), restraint (20 percent), and flogging (13 percent).

In 2017, Belgian scientists surveyed a representative sample of 1,027 Belgian adults. Those who admitted experimenting with BDSM — almost half (47 percent). Thirteen percent said they played that way “regularly.” Eight percent said they felt “committed” to BDSM sexuality.

What Fifty Shades of Grey Got Right — and Wrong

In fantasy, BDSM is even more popular. In the Belgian study just mentioned, 69 percent of participants admitted having BDSM fantasies, some quite extreme.

In 2011, a unique window into the popularity of BDSM fantasies and play opened with the publications of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by English author E.L. James. The three novels follow Christian Grey, a brash, young billionaire dominant (dom, top) and his initially naïve lover, Anastasia Steele, as she becomes his submissive (sub, bottom), at first hesitantly, then willingly, and finally enthusiastically.

By 2019, Fifty Shades had sold 150 million copies worldwide in 50 languages, the only book to ever sell that many copies that quickly. The Fifty Shades film series has grossed more than $1 billion. And when the trilogy hit the bestseller list, hardware stores reported an unusual surge in sales of rope.

Fifty Shades got one aspect of BDSM horribly wrong. It depicts Christian Grey as the product of horrendous child abuse and implies that his years of suffering propelled him into kink. Actually, BDSM players are no more likely than anyone else to have suffered child abuse or sexual trauma.

Otherwise, James depicted BDSM quite realistically:

Communication: Before Grey lays a hand on Steele, they discuss their play in great detail. 

Contracts: Grey hands Steele an extensive contract proposal, and they discuss it point by point. Steel agrees to some clauses, modifies others, and nixes a few. Not all BDSM players use written contracts, but many do.
Limits: Grey quizzes Steele on the hard boundaries she can’t conceive of crossing and the soft limits she might cross under the right circumstances. Both players declare their limits and pledge to honor the others.
Safeword: Grey tells Steele she is always free to invoke their safe word, the “stop” signal that immediately suspends play. No matter how anything looks or feels, subs always retain total control over BDSM play. That’s the great irony of BDSM. It looks like the doms control the subs. Actually, it’s the other way around.
Intimacy: Steele is astonished by the depth of self-revelation involved in BDSM, and how emotionally close it brings her to Grey. Committed BDSM players often say that kinky intimacy goes “way beyond sex.”

A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words

The vocabulary of BDSM can be intimidating to newcomers (newcomers, heh heh). What is your domme talking about when she tells you to stop topping from the bottom and take off your Zentai suit for some CBT? What, while we’re at it, is a domme? So, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella. At press time there’s still no “kink” on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms.

A is for Aftercare

Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.

B is for Bondage
Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases, the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.

C is for CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
In BDSM, CBT does not refer to cognitive behavioral therapy, it refers to “cock and ball torture,” which is exactly what it sounds like: The dominant will bind, whip, or use their high-ass heels to step on their submissive’s cock and balls to consensually torture them.

D is for D/S
D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “Switch”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).

E is for Edgeplay
Edgeplay refers to the risky shit — the more taboo (or worst bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.

G is for Golden Showers
A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community reclaimed this word back from Donald Trump, who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.

H is for Hard Limits
Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”

L is for Leather
The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.

R is for RACK
RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, which are the BDSM community guidelines on how to make sure everyone is aware of the dangers they consent to. Another set of guidelines is the “SSC,” which stresses keeping activities “safe, sane, and consensual.” We kinksters want everyone to feel happy and fulfilled, and only experience pain that they desire — without actual harm.

Y is for Yes!
BDSM is all about enthusiastic consent. The dominant partner won’t step on their submissive’s head and then shove it into a toilet without a big ole’ “yes, please!”

Enjoy your new vocabulary, pervs!

How BDSM Can Help Save Your Relationship

While everyone can find partners on BDSM dating sites easily, many couples regularly practice the lifestyle, which refers to sex practices including domination, bondage dating, kinky dating, and sadomasochism. But is it healthy to add a little spanking and kink into your sex life?

Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones, a certified sex therapist, works with couples to introduce BDSM into their bedrooms — and she told Motto that she’s seen the practice completely revive partnerships. “It definitely makes a difference for damaged relationships,” Dr. Jones said.

Dr. Jones spoke with Motto about her work, what impact BDSM can have on relationships and how “vanilla” couples can start getting a little kinky.

Jones: For couples already involved in it, they’re no different from any other couple. They have the same concerns. BDSM is an expression of one’s uniqueness of their sexuality, and I always find that our BDSM couples are very blessed because they’ve found a partner that is a good fit for them.

But I also help vanilla couples introduce BDSM into their relationships, sometimes, in a bid to save their unions. I recently had a couple come in recently and the wife was in tears. She said she wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore and that she thought their marriage was over. They had been married for about ten years. So I met with them individually and found that their relationship was a total power struggle. He was totally dominating her in the relationship. So I gave them assignments where she would “dom” him in the bedroom. And it totally saved their marriage. And they’ve become lifestylers.

I often prescribe BDSM for power struggles or control issues. Or, if one partner had a bad sexual experience in the past, I prescribe it as a way to give that partner back some feeling of control.

So, how can a couple that’s never tried BDSM before organically introduce it into their relationship?

There are lots of videos available online. I would check those out and do some research. I also frequently refer my clients to doms and let the doms show them the safe way to play. You can have a session with a dom, who will demonstrate the ropes and different types of exercises you can do in the bedroom.

Here’s one scenario: one person — playing the dom (the person in power) can pretend to be the CEO of a company and the submissive can be an employee.

There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of when it comes to BDSM. People think it equals pain. But, in reality, BDSM covers everything from playful role-playing to spanking to tying up your partner and teasing them with a feather. You can go as heavy as you want — as long as it’s consensual. But you don’t need to, either. You can always just dip your toe in — and that will still add a level of erotic energy to sex play with your partner.

How can couples stay safe — and consensual — while trying out BDSM?

BDSM play is always consensual. I work with the couples to create a safe word — meaning whenever one of them says that word, what’s going on must stop. No questions asked.

They also are supposed to talk beforehand. The scene played out shouldn’t be organic until they’ve done it enough so they know each other’s limits. When they’re just starting out, they must discuss the scene in advance and lay out what’s going to happen.

How should one partner broach the subject of trying out BDSM?

I’d recommend going to a sex-positive sex therapist and talking it out there. Or if you feel comfortable enough, I would just talk to your partner — and recommend starting out small. Say: “I’m interested in getting a little bit more playful in the bedroom — may be some role-playing or spanking.”

I’m a big advocate for getting help outside the bedroom. I think sex therapists are incredibly helpful. They can really help you get off to a good start.

Have you ever seen any negative effects of introducing BDSM into your relationship?

If a partner is using BDSM to hurt themselves or someone else, that’s not your traditional BDSM relationship. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s any harm to introducing it whatsoever.

Some of my more mature couples initially giggle when I give them BDSM exercises to do, but when they report back to me, they love the experience. They say they felt like they were in high school again. They felt it was something new and unique to do in the bedroom, and it’s playful and fun.

Don’t be afraid to get outside your comfort zone. You and your partner can totally transform your relationship through BDSM dating.

6 Tips For Bondage Beginners

Now, you can easily find a partner on the bondage dating sites. If you are dating for the first time, please read the following 6 tips to make your first bondage dating safer and more enjoyable.

1. Negotiation and consent.

Before anyone gets tied up, you and your partner(s) need to have a negotiation about what’s going to happen. And in that negotiation, you have to talk about consent, Yin says. “You have to know how you’re going to actually explore,” they say. You could start exploring bondage in an experiential way, where no still means no. But you could also try a theme where the struggle is part of what makes bondage erotic. So, you’ll need to talk to your partner upfront about what you want.

“It’s not that you just say yes to bondage and then that means that you’re saying yes to everything that happens after you’re in bondage,” Yin says. There are multiple things you and your partner have to consent to, whether you’re the top or the bottom in the bondage situation. But especially if you’re the bottom (the one being tied up). Once someone is in bondage, Yin says, they might enter something called “subspace” and might no longer feel comfortable negotiating what they do and don’t want to try. So it’s essential to have negotiation and consent upfront.

2. Nerve damage.

Once you’re done with the negotiations and consent and other talking, there are some things you should know before tying someone up. Mainly, that certain areas are more prone to nerve damage than others. “Usually it’s around the elbows or the knees and especially the neck,” Yin says.

So, if you’re an idea of bondage comes from beautiful photos of Shibari-style knots, then you’ll have to adjust your expectations. “Going into it as a beginner, one must learn the basics and also understand that each person’s body has its own capabilities,” Yin says. Anyone who’s just starting out should never put rope near the neck because doing it wrong has the potential to cause serious damage.

3. Tingling.

If you’re the person being tied up, it’s important to tell your partner when you’re experiencing tingling in your fingers, toes, or anywhere else. That could be a sign that the rope is too tight or that you’re not in a comfortable position, Yin says. Tingling is fine for about 20 minutes, as long as it’s just a light tingle. But you should be able to move, to struggle against the rope (that’s part of the fun), and to move the rope around your skin.

When you’re tying someone up, Yin says to make sure their hands are below the heart and to get them into a position that’s going to be comfortable for them.

4. Safety.

Bondage dating is a kind of BDSM dating or kinky dating. When enjoying sexual stimulation, you should also pay attention to safety. When tying someone up, tighter might seem better. But that’s not true, Yin says. “If you’re the top, you want to be able to slip about two fingers underneath the rope, so that the rope can be moved around on the skin,” they say. That’s going to make bondage safer for the partner who’s on the bottom.

But, even if you’ve made the ropes loose enough, it’s important to have a pair of safety scissors like these close by, in case your partner needs to be cut out of the ropes quickly.

5. Types of rope.

A stretchy rope is best for beginners, right? Wrong. Rope that has any elastic in it is dangerous, especially for beginners, because you can’t tell how much give it will have, Yin, says. Instead, you’ll want to use a sturdy rope that moves nicely against the skin. “I tend to start my classes with nylon rope, because it slides nicely against the skin, is laid very flat, and is smooth,” Yin says. “And then we graduate on to either cotton or hemp rope, which are the natural fiber ropes that are going to be a little bit more sturdy for any knots.” Cotton and hemp are more likely to give rope burn, though, so they’re not essential for beginners.

6.Aftercare.

People who do bondage often practice something called aftercare, which involves sitting down with your partner afterward and talking about what you did and didn’t like. This is especially important for beginners since you don’t yet know what about bondage turns you on.

But don’t think that you can’t continue talking about it once that first sit-down is done. Aftercare can last days, Yin says. “If something comes up three days later and you think, ‘Oh my God, that was triggering something else for me,’ to share that with your partner or at least to be able to honestly pinpoint it for yourself is really important.”

So, once your first-time bondage is done, replay the experience again and again. Even if it doesn’t make you realize something that could have gone better, it’ll likely make you even more excited for the next time.

Everything You Need to Know About BDSM

BDSM, or Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism is a sexual practice that includes a variety of sexual identities and activities. BDSM is often regarded as this dark, freaky, non-normal kind of sexual preference, often forcing its players to retreat into the shadows and stick to carefully curated communities alienated from the majority of society.

BDSM participants identify themselves in one of three main ways: dominant, submissive, and switch (as oscillating between the first two). It’s important to remember that all of these identities are fluid and continuous, and can change depending on the participants’ mood or partner.

What is BDSM?

Bondage: A form of restricting a sexual player’s movement, for example, by ropes or handcuffs. This kind of restrainment can increase sexual enjoyment for some, and induce somatosensory (of warmth, coolness, pressure, pain) feelings in different areas of the body.

Discipline: A series of rules and punishments — all agreed upon before a sexual encounter begins — for a (usually) dominant partner to exert control over and dictate the actions of their (usually) submissive partner. The above-mentioned bondage can be a form of, and a vehicle for, discipline.

Dominance: The act of dominating a sexual partner, both in and out of sex. Sometimes, dominants have arrangements with their sexual partners in which they dictate (with the others’ consent) not only their partners’ behavior in bed but also behavior out of it — from food habits to sleep patterns.

Submission: The act of a submissive following their dominant’s actions. They have as much control over deciding what happens to them as their dominant does, even more so, perhaps. Communication between the dominant and submissive is of utmost importance, as that’s where boundaries are set, desires are shared, and permission is given.

Sadism and Masochism, or Sadomasochism: The pleasure that a BDSM participant derives from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism); this could also manifest as emotional pain in the form of humiliation. Yes, BDSM can be violent — if the word ‘violent’ is stripped of all negative associations. Called intense sensation play, BDSM can involve hitting, pinching or causing any other physical harm to a sexual partner — but this is all consensual. Consent is the key to a healthy expression of sado-masochism, with an understanding between all partners that the activity could stop at any moment should anybody be uncomfortable with the intensity of play.

How do people engaging in BDSM deal with consent?

Consent — when given in an uncoerced, enthusiastic, clear manner with boundaries outlined — makes a BDSM encounter a safe and inclusive sexual experience for all partners. Consent and boundaries can be outlined in a formal contract, a verbal agreement or a casual conversation. Consent is also not absolute — the desires and comfort of sexual players in BDSM are of the utmost value; if a player is uncomfortable anytime before or during the experience, they can easily revoke the consent, and other players must respect the change of heart. This can be done through previously agreed upon safe words, which when said, signal others to stop.

Limits, or boundaries, also take many forms: soft limits are activities with which a BDSM player is uncomfortable but might be willing to try. Safewords are especially important here. Hard limits, on the other hand, are a complete no-no under all circumstances.

Can BDSM be incorporated into vanilla sex?

BDSM can take many shapes — it is not only categorized by whips and leather, as seen in most pop culture depictions. The desire for discipline, sadomasochism, dominance or submission is an innate feeling, which can then translate to a variety of actions, be they light spanking or biting, using fuzzy handcuffs, even denying a partner an orgasm. Kink is a state of mind, and BDSM provides a wide spectrum that can accommodate the sexual desires of different intensities.

What makes someone inclined toward BDSM?

Kink, and the desire to engage in BDSM, can either be an innate desire, much like a child learning they’re queer, or, a kinky person can slowly realize their identity over time. People who don’t necessarily have the kink gene, so to speak, can find BDSM later in life — perhaps to spice up their relationships, or to find excitement in their sexuality.

Does undergoing trauma lead to an interest in BDSM?

Trauma itself isn’t a catalyst for a desire to engage in BDSM. However, BDSM can provide an encouraging and safe framework for trauma survivors, who might want to overcome their trauma by enacting it again — this time with control over the outcome. The usual care, respect, and communication that members of BDSM communities extend toward each other also make it a safe space for trauma survivors to assert and explore their sexuality.

Is everyone polyamorous in BDSM communities?

No, not necessarily. BDSM is alternative sexuality — that is, it deviates from what society considers the norm. Naturally, BDSM is also accepting of other alternative sexualities, such as polyamory (or consensual non-monogamy). BDSM communities are also welcoming of all queer sexualities. While a conflation or generalization of all alternate sexualities coalescing with each other is not fair — a dom-sub relationship could be monogamous, for instance — there is a definite overlap, as marginalized groups find acceptance with each other.

From detailed, comprehensive conversations before an act of BDSM to delineate boundaries and assert sexual needs, to open and honest communication and care after the act, the ethics of BDSM encompass a safe, respectful environment that can allow for unabashed exploration of sexual identity.

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BDSM Culture Can Make Women More Assertive In Work, Relationships

“I don’t know how to explain it … but I have more clarity the morning after. It’s come to a point where my partner and I ensure we engage in a play scene before any big meetings I have. It really gives me the boost I need.”

R.P. is a 32-year-old consultant living in Mumbai. When she joined a high-powered consulting firm seven years ago, she found herself struggling to keep up with the pace and make herself heard.

“Around the same time, I got into a relationship with a man who was into BDSM [bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism] and kink play. He introduced me to it and I instantly took a liking to it,” R.P. says. “Surprisingly, I found myself gravitating towards the role of the Dominant. Within the confines of a loving and safe space with a partner I trusted, I was able to assert myself in ways I couldn’t outside my bedroom. Slowly, I began to notice that especially on days after we had engaged in a play scene, I would feel more focussed, composed and clear-headed. It was almost as if the satisfied feeling I felt in bed, in that position of power, flowed over the next day. I feel like I know more about myself — my mind and my body.”

According to recent research by Dr. Brad Sagarin, a professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University, kinks such as BDSM alter the blood flow pattern in the brain, creating altered states of consciousness. For those who assume the dominant position in BDSM, these mental states are called “flow” — the term popularized by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. Flow is defined as an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” It’s a state of hyperawareness, laser focus, and euphoria, which resonates with R.P.’s experience. “I just feel more brave, if that makes sense,” she says. Sagarin’s research confirms just that. The study found that people who regularly experience flow as an effect of dominant BDSM roles report improved concentration, clarity about goals, decision-making skills, and listening and intuitive skills. They also demonstrate lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, less self-consciousness and less aversion to risk.

The study also found those taking on submissive roles in BDSM play experience “transient hypofrontality,” a peaceful, dreamlike state, often compared to a runner’s high or described as being “in the zone.” Creativity and productivity peak in this state of decreased self-awareness.

R.P. explains how her female friends from the free BDSM dating site have discussed this before: “Sometimes when we share — and we’re all doms — our experiences with each other, we all agree that we are in a great mood throughout the next day and feel more energized and creative. It’s like a strange high, knowing what we did the previous night.”

People who experience either of these altered mental states report higher levels of happiness, creativity, and productivity for up to three days after, according to research by Harvard University professor Teresa Amabile. They also report transferring the focus, confidence, concentration, and decision-making skills of BDSM into everyday life. It is no wonder, then, that people who engage in BDSM are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection, and have higher subjective well-being outside the bedroom, according to a 2016 study on the psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners.

Additionally, partners who engage in sadomasochism are more connected and more intimate than those who do not engage in it, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The honest expression of one’s fantasies and desires, and consensually, respectfully and safely executing that as a BDSM scene, requires a high level of communication and trust between partners — a feature regularly absent from non-kinky or “vanilla” sex, as the BDSM community calls it.

“My boyfriend and I have definitely become much closer since we started exploring this space together. We don’t lie to each other in our relationship — white lies not included, and even those we mostly confess — because the trust between us is the same, inside and outside the bedroom,” says R.P. “There’s very little drama and if we ever fight, we usually resolve it by talking to each other. But it almost never reaches that point because every day, in a way, we tell each other about what it is that we want from the other person and what we don’t. It’s like learning how to negotiate with another person.”

Women have traditionally been discouraged from developing such open and clear communication skills. In 2018, former dominatrix, Kasia Urbaniak started The Academy, a school to teach women the “foundations of power and influence” via month-long female empowerment sessions in New York. Speaking to The Guardian, she says: “It’s about the communications that women carry that either make them go speechless, or afraid of coming across as too bossy or too needy.” Urbaniak explains that by being in the dominant role of BDSM, women learn to project their strength and attention outward. It’s a skill they can then use to flip the power dynamic in the outside world, where women are forced to turn their attention inward, with self-doubt and over-analysis.

A barrage of recent research hints at the effects of empowerment via BDSM: people with sexual kinks or fetishes, such as BDSM, group sex, or role-play, have better mental health, less psychological stress, higher self-worth, and more satisfying relationships.

Not everyone is convinced of BDSM’s benefits, however. The feminist sex wars over BDSM’s potential for women’s empowerment rage on, with one side seeing BDSM as a way to explore and enable female sexuality, and the other side seeing it as yet another manifestation of the hyper-masculine, patriarchal order’s violent idea of sex. But, as a black lesbian poet and feminist writer Audrey Lorde puts it in a personal essay, embracing the erotic fosters a deep and irreplaceable “self-connection and fearless underlining of [one’s] capacity for joy.” Released of social context, when examined in individual’s lives and homes, BDSM seems to allow, well, release. And that kind of release writes Lorde, “flows through and colors my life with a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all my experience.”

So, click here to find your partner on free dating sites and start your BDSM games!

11 BDSM Games Everyone Should Try at Least Once

If you’re curious about trying BDSM, it might be tempting to run out right now and spend a paycheck on leather gear. But it’s important for newbies to start with the basics. Take time to carefully explore each kink that makes up BDSM—bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism—and pencil in time to go over safety words and limits beforehand. “A lot of people have this idea that BDSM is wild and unrestricted, but there's a great deal of education and care that goes into doing BDSM properly,” says Vanessa Marin, Los Angeles-based sex therapist and creator of Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm.

Couples who really are brand spanking new (ugh, sorry) might want to try these entry-level BDSM games suggested by Marin and Lanae St. John, a sexologist and a professor of human sexuality at City College of San Francisco.

1. To start off with, Marin suggests a simple “Yes sir/ma’am” during sex.

Not only is it super-hot, but using dirty talk to experiment with dominant and submissive roles is a low-pressure way to figure out which roles you each prefer.

2. Have a kink-themed game night to locate non-vanilla erogenous zones on each others’ bodies.

Find a set of erotic dice that display a body part along with an action to be performed. You might roll some laughable combinations (pinch a toe?), but you might also find hot spots in places you’d never expect.

3. Use a blindfold on one partner during foreplay or sex.

It puts the blindfolded partner completely at the mercy of the seeing one, and the restricting sight makes all the other sensations erotically heightened. A silk sash or men's tie can also work great here.

4. While the blindfolded partner lies down, the seeing partner runs a feather, fingernails, fur, or leather over their skin.

St. John and Marin both recommend this kind of sensory play for beginners. Take your time and really tease your partner.

5. Ramp up the intensity with temperature play.

Run an ice cube over their stomach, give them a warm oil massage or drip melted candle wax on their stomach. (But not the Anthro candle on your nightstand! St. John points out that you should find a candle specifically meant for this play at your local sex shop. They're usually labeled "massage candles" just FYI.)

6. If hair-pulling and spanking are already your go-tos during sex, have the spanker swap out his/her hand for a paddle or wooden kitchen spoon.

Adding some sort of accessory, even if it's not overtly sexy, can be a huge turn-on. Good luck ever looking at your kitchen the same way again!

7. Role plays a scenario inspired by the power dynamic that turns you on.

Now that you’re more familiar with what you both like, apply it to a passionate scene (i.e. “stern teacher disciplining the naughty student”). If the idea of improv stresses you out, come up with a few lines beforehand to get things going.

8. Try a discipline-oriented sexting game in which the dominant partner creates a set of rules and restrictions for the submissive partner to follow.

Like what to wear to work, what to order for lunch. For each rule they break, they get a specific punishment that evening.

9. Tease each other visually with latex, leather, or pleather fetishwear.

A corset, super-tight “hobble skirt” (think Morticia Addams), high platforms—anything that makes you feel sexy. Studies have shown that feeling confident in your body is directly linked to female orgasm, says Marin. For a specifically submissive and/or gender-neutral option, try a collar.

10. Restrain the submissive partner’s wrists with a tie, allowing the partner on top to fully take charge.

When tying the restraints, Marin cautions to make sure to keep two fingers' worth of space between the restraint and the skin to avoid nerve damage. Eventually, you can graduate to four-point restraints (both wrists and ankles) and/or bondage handcuffs.

11. Don’t forget aftercare!

After a powerful game, the submissive partner can sometimes experience a steep endorphin crash, and the dominant partner’s role in this phase is to give them lots of TLC. Take a moment to cuddle and decompress. This is also the time to check in with each other and discuss the experience. What did you enjoy the most? Did anything surprise you? What would you want to experiment further and try for next time? Good BDSM play puts just as much emphasis on communication before, during, and after sex.

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BDSM Tips for Beginners

BDSM, which stands for Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM), was incredibly popular even in the old days. For example, ancient Greeks were really into bondage and that was thousands of years ago. So, it’s no surprise that this particular fetish is still quite popular among kinky people. If you’re interested in BDSM, you should know a thing or two before you meet people on free online dating sites and engage in kinky sex with them. Here are some of the most important BDSM tips for beginners.

Open Communication With The Partner Is Crucial

As you probably already know, there’s no good sex without good and open communication between lovers. The case is no different when it comes to BDSM. Exploring this uncharted territory is incredibly exciting, but it’s also rather tricky. Therefore, you simply have to openly discuss many things with your partner before you engage in any kind of kinky activity. You have to be on the same page and explore each other’s fantasies. This is the only way to experience a good and safe BDSM adventure.

Establish Mutual Trust

Besides the already mentioned communication, you also need to find a way to establish a high level of mutual trust. Why is this important? Well, if you can’t trust your partner completely, you can’t relax and surrender yourself to him or her, right? Therefore, to have a successful and fulfilling BDSM experience, you have to gain your partner’s trust and vice versa.

Blindfolds And Sensation Play Are Good For Newbies

When someone mentions BDSM, people automatically start talking about whips, bondage, chains, and domination game. However, this sounds a bit too much, especially for a newbie. To fully appreciate this part of the kinky world, you have to take baby steps first. So, forget about the latex outfits, whips, and bondages for a while and focus on something more suitable for beginners. We’re talking about good old blindfolds and sensation play. This is the safest and best way to start your BDSM journey. The things you need are a blindfold, candle wax, and a feather. This way you can play with temperature and delicate touch while enhancing the sensation by blindfolding your sexual partner. After you master these simple tricks, you’ll be able to experiment with more serious equipment and expensive toys.

Establish Boundaries And Determine The Safe Word

Before you start using serious sex toys, like bondages, for example, you have to establish certain boundaries with your partner. Both of you need to know what is ok and what is off-limits. The best way to do so is by setting some ground rules and determining the famous safe word. This word is your way out. So, whenever you feel uncomfortable or like you’re in some sort of danger, just say the word and your partner has to stop. This also applies to you, if your partner says the safe word, you have to respect that. Ignoring these rules might lead to serious injuries and very dangerous situations. Therefore, play fair and honor the deal!