What Kind of People Enjoy BDSM

BDSM players are as sexually and emotionally healthy as the general population.

Italian researchers recently surveyed the sexuality of 266 Italian men and women who enjoy bondage, discipline, and sado-masochism (BDSM). The study population ranged in age from 18 to 74 and averaged 41. The researchers also surveyed 200 demographically similar men and women not involved in BDSM.

The two groups reported similar feelings about their sexuality, but the BDSM players reported less sexual distress and greater erotic satisfaction. The researchers said they hoped their study would “reduce the stigma associated with BDSM.”

How Popular Is BDSM?

In 2015, Indiana University researchers surveyed a representative sample of 2,021 American adults. Many said they’d tried some elements of BDSM: spanking (30 percent), dominant/submissive role-playing (22 percent), restraint (20 percent), and flogging (13 percent).

In 2017, Belgian scientists surveyed a representative sample of 1,027 Belgian adults. Those who admitted experimenting with BDSM — almost half (47 percent). Thirteen percent said they played that way “regularly.” Eight percent said they felt “committed” to BDSM sexuality.

What Fifty Shades of Grey Got Right — and Wrong

In fantasy, BDSM is even more popular. In the Belgian study just mentioned, 69 percent of participants admitted having BDSM fantasies, some quite extreme.

In 2011, a unique window into the popularity of BDSM fantasies and play opened with the publications of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy by English author E.L. James. The three novels follow Christian Grey, a brash, young billionaire dominant (dom, top) and his initially naïve lover, Anastasia Steele, as she becomes his submissive (sub, bottom), at first hesitantly, then willingly, and finally enthusiastically.

By 2019, Fifty Shades had sold 150 million copies worldwide in 50 languages, the only book to ever sell that many copies that quickly. The Fifty Shades film series has grossed more than $1 billion. And when the trilogy hit the bestseller list, hardware stores reported an unusual surge in sales of rope.

Fifty Shades got one aspect of BDSM horribly wrong. It depicts Christian Grey as the product of horrendous child abuse and implies that his years of suffering propelled him into kink. Actually, BDSM players are no more likely than anyone else to have suffered child abuse or sexual trauma.

Otherwise, James depicted BDSM quite realistically:

Communication: Before Grey lays a hand on Steele, they discuss their play in great detail. 

Contracts: Grey hands Steele an extensive contract proposal, and they discuss it point by point. Steel agrees to some clauses, modifies others, and nixes a few. Not all BDSM players use written contracts, but many do.
Limits: Grey quizzes Steele on the hard boundaries she can’t conceive of crossing and the soft limits she might cross under the right circumstances. Both players declare their limits and pledge to honor the others.
Safeword: Grey tells Steele she is always free to invoke their safe word, the “stop” signal that immediately suspends play. No matter how anything looks or feels, subs always retain total control over BDSM play. That’s the great irony of BDSM. It looks like the doms control the subs. Actually, it’s the other way around.
Intimacy: Steele is astonished by the depth of self-revelation involved in BDSM, and how emotionally close it brings her to Grey. Committed BDSM players often say that kinky intimacy goes “way beyond sex.”

A Very Sexy Beginner’s Guide to BDSM Words

The vocabulary of BDSM can be intimidating to newcomers (newcomers, heh heh). What is your domme talking about when she tells you to stop topping from the bottom and take off your Zentai suit for some CBT? What, while we’re at it, is a domme? So, let’s start with the basics: “BDSM” stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism, the core pillars of kinky fun. Beyond that, there’s a whole language to describe the consensual power exchange practices that take place under the BDSM umbrella. At press time there’s still no “kink” on Duolingo, so here’s a handy glossary of some of the most common BDSM terms.

A is for Aftercare

Aftercare is the practice of checking in with one another after a scene (or “play session,” a.k.a., the time in which the BDSM happens) to make sure all parties feel nice and chill about what just went down. The dominant partner may bring the submissive ice for any bruises, but it’s important to know that aftercare involves emotional care as well as physical. BDSM releases endorphins, which can lead to both dominants and submissives experiencing a “drop.” Aftercare can help prevent that. There’s often cuddling and always conversation; kinksters need love too.

B is for Bondage
Bondage is the act of tying one another up. In most cases, the dominant partner is restraining the submissive using ropes, handcuffs, Velcro, specialty hooks, clasps, or simply a belt if you’re on a budget.

C is for CBT (Cock and Ball Torture)
In BDSM, CBT does not refer to cognitive behavioral therapy, it refers to “cock and ball torture,” which is exactly what it sounds like: The dominant will bind, whip, or use their high-ass heels to step on their submissive’s cock and balls to consensually torture them.

D is for D/S
D/S refers to dominance and submission, the crux of a BDSM relationship. While kinky people can be on a spectrum (see: “Switch”), typically you’re either dominant or submissive. If you take away one fact from this guide, it should be that even though the dominant partner in D/S relationship may be slapping, name-calling, and spitting on the submissive, BDSM and D/S relationships are all about erotic power exchange, not one person having power over another. The submissive gets to set their boundaries, and everything is pre-negotiated. The submissive likes getting slapped (see also: “Painslut”).

E is for Edgeplay
Edgeplay refers to the risky shit — the more taboo (or worst bitch, depending on who you’re talking to) end of the spectrum of BDSM activities. Everyone’s definition of edgeplay is a little different, but blood or knife play is a good example. If there’s actually a chance of real physical harm, it’s likely edgeplay. Only get bloody with a partner who knows what they’re doing without a doubt and has been tested for STIs. You don’t have to get maimed to enjoy BDSM.

G is for Golden Showers
A golden shower is when you lovingly shower your partner with your piss. It’s high time for the BDSM community reclaimed this word back from Donald Trump, who, may I remind you, allegedly paid sex workers to pee on a bed that Obama slept in out of spite. This is not the same thing as a golden shower. Kink is for smart people.

H is for Hard Limits
Hard limits are sexual acts that are off-limits. Everyone has their own, and you have to discuss these boundaries before any BDSM play. Use it in a sentence: “Please do not pee on me; golden showers are one of my hard limits.”

L is for Leather
The BDSM community enjoys leather as much as you’d expect. Leather shorts, leather paddles, and leather corsets are popular, although increasingly kinky retailers provide vegan options for their animal-loving geeks.

R is for RACK
RACK stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, which are the BDSM community guidelines on how to make sure everyone is aware of the dangers they consent to. Another set of guidelines is the “SSC,” which stresses keeping activities “safe, sane, and consensual.” We kinksters want everyone to feel happy and fulfilled, and only experience pain that they desire — without actual harm.

Y is for Yes!
BDSM is all about enthusiastic consent. The dominant partner won’t step on their submissive’s head and then shove it into a toilet without a big ole’ “yes, please!”

Enjoy your new vocabulary, pervs!

Is BDSM/Kink a Hobby or a Sexual Orientation

 What does it reveal about you if you’re into kinky or BDSM sex? Is it a serious leisure activity, or is it an innate aspect of your sexuality? Could the answer be different for different people? A recent article published in the journal Current Sexual Health Reports grapples with these fascinating and important questions.

On the one hand, it could b argued that kink/BDSM is a form of serious leisure, one that requires a lot of time, that necessitates a certain level of skill and expertise, and that may even affect self-identification. Research has found that kink/BDSM often fits this bill and that it overlaps with a lot of the characteristics of the concept of leisure more generally.

For example, as the authors of this paper report: In a study of hundreds of BDSM practitioners, the “general properties of leisure were overwhelmingly endorsed by participants, including the following items reported being present most or nearly always by 90 percent or more of the total sample: positive emotions, a sense of freedom, pleasure and/or enjoyment, sense of adventure, stress relief and/or relaxation, self-expression, and BDSM enjoyed for itself (intrinsic motivation).”

By the same token, other research suggests that kink/BDSM can potentially be thought of as a sexual orientation. However, this depends on how you define the term sexual orientation, and different scientists think about this in different ways. Some define it in very narrow terms, looking at it specifically as something that orients us to partners based on sex or gender; however, others take a more expansive view.

For example, some argue that we have multiple sexual orientations and that the characteristics of these orientations are as follows: “(a) sexual attraction that is strong and persistent; (b) relative immutability/fluidity of sexual attraction or arousal that is beyond conscious control; © early-onset, developmentally, in childhood or adolescence; (d) significant psychological consequences to denying, exploring, fulfilling, or repressing sexual attraction and arousal; and (e) lifelong patterns of sexual attraction and arousal”.

If you view kink/BDSM through this lens, some research does support the idea that it may be orientation. For example, research finds that the vast majority of BDSM practitioners report that their sexual interests developed relatively early in life, specifically before the age of 25. Further, a minority of these folks (7 to 12 percent across studies) report that their interests developed around the time of puberty (between ages 10 to 12), which is when other traditional aspects of sexual orientation develop (e.g., an attraction based on sex or gender).

Ultimately, the authors of this paper don’t advocate for one perspective or the other, and they argue that the leisure and sexual orientation views of kink/BDSM are not mutually exclusive. In other words, perhaps both of them may be correct, meaning that kink/BDSM could be a leisure activity for some, but more of orientation for others.

The paper is a fascinating read because it addresses important questions raised by thinking of kink/BDSM as leisure or as an orientation. For example, what are the potential legal, therapeutic, and health care implications? There’s a lot to be gained by better understanding kink/BDSM, but we clearly need a lot more research on the subject to know whether it is best characterized as leisure, orientation, or both.

How BDSM Can Help Save Your Relationship

While everyone can find partners on BDSM dating sites easily, many couples regularly practice the lifestyle, which refers to sex practices including domination, bondage dating, kinky dating, and sadomasochism. But is it healthy to add a little spanking and kink into your sex life?

Dr. Stephanie Hunter Jones, a certified sex therapist, works with couples to introduce BDSM into their bedrooms — and she told Motto that she’s seen the practice completely revive partnerships. “It definitely makes a difference for damaged relationships,” Dr. Jones said.

Dr. Jones spoke with Motto about her work, what impact BDSM can have on relationships and how “vanilla” couples can start getting a little kinky.

Jones: For couples already involved in it, they’re no different from any other couple. They have the same concerns. BDSM is an expression of one’s uniqueness of their sexuality, and I always find that our BDSM couples are very blessed because they’ve found a partner that is a good fit for them.

But I also help vanilla couples introduce BDSM into their relationships, sometimes, in a bid to save their unions. I recently had a couple come in recently and the wife was in tears. She said she wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore and that she thought their marriage was over. They had been married for about ten years. So I met with them individually and found that their relationship was a total power struggle. He was totally dominating her in the relationship. So I gave them assignments where she would “dom” him in the bedroom. And it totally saved their marriage. And they’ve become lifestylers.

I often prescribe BDSM for power struggles or control issues. Or, if one partner had a bad sexual experience in the past, I prescribe it as a way to give that partner back some feeling of control.

So, how can a couple that’s never tried BDSM before organically introduce it into their relationship?

There are lots of videos available online. I would check those out and do some research. I also frequently refer my clients to doms and let the doms show them the safe way to play. You can have a session with a dom, who will demonstrate the ropes and different types of exercises you can do in the bedroom.

Here’s one scenario: one person — playing the dom (the person in power) can pretend to be the CEO of a company and the submissive can be an employee.

There’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of when it comes to BDSM. People think it equals pain. But, in reality, BDSM covers everything from playful role-playing to spanking to tying up your partner and teasing them with a feather. You can go as heavy as you want — as long as it’s consensual. But you don’t need to, either. You can always just dip your toe in — and that will still add a level of erotic energy to sex play with your partner.

How can couples stay safe — and consensual — while trying out BDSM?

BDSM play is always consensual. I work with the couples to create a safe word — meaning whenever one of them says that word, what’s going on must stop. No questions asked.

They also are supposed to talk beforehand. The scene played out shouldn’t be organic until they’ve done it enough so they know each other’s limits. When they’re just starting out, they must discuss the scene in advance and lay out what’s going to happen.

How should one partner broach the subject of trying out BDSM?

I’d recommend going to a sex-positive sex therapist and talking it out there. Or if you feel comfortable enough, I would just talk to your partner — and recommend starting out small. Say: “I’m interested in getting a little bit more playful in the bedroom — may be some role-playing or spanking.”

I’m a big advocate for getting help outside the bedroom. I think sex therapists are incredibly helpful. They can really help you get off to a good start.

Have you ever seen any negative effects of introducing BDSM into your relationship?

If a partner is using BDSM to hurt themselves or someone else, that’s not your traditional BDSM relationship. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s any harm to introducing it whatsoever.

Some of my more mature couples initially giggle when I give them BDSM exercises to do, but when they report back to me, they love the experience. They say they felt like they were in high school again. They felt it was something new and unique to do in the bedroom, and it’s playful and fun.

Don’t be afraid to get outside your comfort zone. You and your partner can totally transform your relationship through BDSM dating.

How To Bring Kinks Into The Bedroom, According To 3 People Who've Done It

When it comes to sex, what arouses people and gets them off runs the gamut. What works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. And one person’s idea of kinky dating can be another person’s idea of vanilla. But how you bring kinks into the bedroom is a very individual conversation or series of conversations to have.

“Kinks … are created through a complex interplay that research doesn’t fully understand of genetics, environment, and our experiences paired with sexually relevant contexts,” Rena McDaniel, a clinical sexologist, tells Bustle. “Sometimes kinks come from our brains pairing an otherwise non-sexual, neutral object, body part, or situation with a sexually relevant context. These pairings can happen at any point in our life.” For example, McDaniel explains, if you have a fantastic masturbation session on a blue couch, you could develop a kink for blue couches.

“Kink refers to something that turns you on, sexually, that also exists outside of our cultural norm of ‘traditional’ cis-heteronormative ‘vanilla’ sex,” Jamie J. LeClaire, sexuality educator, tells Bustle. “It can look like anything from activities under the BDSM umbrella, to fetishes, to roleplaying. Because, culturally, we have such a limited scope of what sex looks like missionary, kink really encompasses a wide range of activities, fantasies, and desires.”

Although a 2017 survey of 2,000 people by EdenFantasys found that almost half of Americans consider themselves kinky, bringing up that kink and introducing it to a partner — new or current — isn’t always easy. Bustle spoke to women and non-binary folks about how they introduce their kinks into the bedroom. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Morgan, 26

“I usually wind up talking to my partners for a decent amount of time before we hook up, so we already know what the other person is into by the point we finally get there. That buildup is 1) foreplay by itself, and 2) gives us time to hint at or actually talk about what we like, either in person or on the BDSM dating site. If I’m not comfortable enough to have a conversation with someone about what I enjoy in bed, what kinks I’m into, and vice versa, then I won’t be having kinky sex or any type of sex with that person at all. But I will say it’s much easier to drop a casual ‘I’m into BDSM, using toys, and getting tied up. Hbu?’ via text.”

2. Anonymous, 24

“I remember that my biggest experience introducing kinks into the bedroom was when I and my most serious partner (first sexual partner) had broken up but we’re still sleeping together. That experience was already heightened because it was somewhat taboo and then, as a result, we kind of got to rewrite the rules of our sexual relationship and things felt way more intense and fraught. I suggested names we could call each other. Like I could call him “Daddy,” and it was certainly a hit. It was a really gratifying experience of treading into the new territory of what we were into. We haven’t slept together for years, but it was formative in understanding what I like.”

3. Sarah, 35

“When I first realized I was into more kinky type stuff, introducing it to my partners wasn’t easy. Especially because of the negative feedback I got back then. But now I won’t go to bed with someone unless we’re sort of on the same page. If I meet someone on a dating app and we seem to have a connection, I make sure we cover what we’re into, in great detail, because I feel it’s best to get that out on the table right away. If I meet someone at a bar and am bringing them home for a one-night stand, I make sure during that walk home we talk about it. I don’t have to have kinky sex all the time, but because it is my preference and because I see it as a huge part of my sexuality, I really need to know that my partner, although maybe not kinky themselves, is open to experimenting.”

There’s no one way to have sex. So whether you are kinky or you’re not, the most important thing you can do is embrace it. Muting yourself and your sexual desires aren’t going to get you anywhere.

BDSM Culture Can Make Women More Assertive In Work, Relationships

“I don’t know how to explain it … but I have more clarity the morning after. It’s come to a point where my partner and I ensure we engage in a play scene before any big meetings I have. It really gives me the boost I need.”

R.P. is a 32-year-old consultant living in Mumbai. When she joined a high-powered consulting firm seven years ago, she found herself struggling to keep up with the pace and make herself heard.

“Around the same time, I got into a relationship with a man who was into BDSM [bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism] and kink play. He introduced me to it and I instantly took a liking to it,” R.P. says. “Surprisingly, I found myself gravitating towards the role of the Dominant. Within the confines of a loving and safe space with a partner I trusted, I was able to assert myself in ways I couldn’t outside my bedroom. Slowly, I began to notice that especially on days after we had engaged in a play scene, I would feel more focussed, composed and clear-headed. It was almost as if the satisfied feeling I felt in bed, in that position of power, flowed over the next day. I feel like I know more about myself — my mind and my body.”

According to recent research by Dr. Brad Sagarin, a professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University, kinks such as BDSM alter the blood flow pattern in the brain, creating altered states of consciousness. For those who assume the dominant position in BDSM, these mental states are called “flow” — the term popularized by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. Flow is defined as an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” It’s a state of hyperawareness, laser focus, and euphoria, which resonates with R.P.’s experience. “I just feel more brave, if that makes sense,” she says. Sagarin’s research confirms just that. The study found that people who regularly experience flow as an effect of dominant BDSM roles report improved concentration, clarity about goals, decision-making skills, and listening and intuitive skills. They also demonstrate lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, less self-consciousness and less aversion to risk.

The study also found those taking on submissive roles in BDSM play experience “transient hypofrontality,” a peaceful, dreamlike state, often compared to a runner’s high or described as being “in the zone.” Creativity and productivity peak in this state of decreased self-awareness.

R.P. explains how her female friends from the free BDSM dating site have discussed this before: “Sometimes when we share — and we’re all doms — our experiences with each other, we all agree that we are in a great mood throughout the next day and feel more energized and creative. It’s like a strange high, knowing what we did the previous night.”

People who experience either of these altered mental states report higher levels of happiness, creativity, and productivity for up to three days after, according to research by Harvard University professor Teresa Amabile. They also report transferring the focus, confidence, concentration, and decision-making skills of BDSM into everyday life. It is no wonder, then, that people who engage in BDSM are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection, and have higher subjective well-being outside the bedroom, according to a 2016 study on the psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners.

Additionally, partners who engage in sadomasochism are more connected and more intimate than those who do not engage in it, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The honest expression of one’s fantasies and desires, and consensually, respectfully and safely executing that as a BDSM scene, requires a high level of communication and trust between partners — a feature regularly absent from non-kinky or “vanilla” sex, as the BDSM community calls it.

“My boyfriend and I have definitely become much closer since we started exploring this space together. We don’t lie to each other in our relationship — white lies not included, and even those we mostly confess — because the trust between us is the same, inside and outside the bedroom,” says R.P. “There’s very little drama and if we ever fight, we usually resolve it by talking to each other. But it almost never reaches that point because every day, in a way, we tell each other about what it is that we want from the other person and what we don’t. It’s like learning how to negotiate with another person.”

Women have traditionally been discouraged from developing such open and clear communication skills. In 2018, former dominatrix, Kasia Urbaniak started The Academy, a school to teach women the “foundations of power and influence” via month-long female empowerment sessions in New York. Speaking to The Guardian, she says: “It’s about the communications that women carry that either make them go speechless, or afraid of coming across as too bossy or too needy.” Urbaniak explains that by being in the dominant role of BDSM, women learn to project their strength and attention outward. It’s a skill they can then use to flip the power dynamic in the outside world, where women are forced to turn their attention inward, with self-doubt and over-analysis.

A barrage of recent research hints at the effects of empowerment via BDSM: people with sexual kinks or fetishes, such as BDSM, group sex, or role-play, have better mental health, less psychological stress, higher self-worth, and more satisfying relationships.

Not everyone is convinced of BDSM’s benefits, however. The feminist sex wars over BDSM’s potential for women’s empowerment rage on, with one side seeing BDSM as a way to explore and enable female sexuality, and the other side seeing it as yet another manifestation of the hyper-masculine, patriarchal order’s violent idea of sex. But, as a black lesbian poet and feminist writer Audrey Lorde puts it in a personal essay, embracing the erotic fosters a deep and irreplaceable “self-connection and fearless underlining of [one’s] capacity for joy.” Released of social context, when examined in individual’s lives and homes, BDSM seems to allow, well, release. And that kind of release writes Lorde, “flows through and colors my life with a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all my experience.”

So, click here to find your partner on free dating sites and start your BDSM games!