How To Bring Kinks Into The Bedroom, According To 3 People Who've Done It

When it comes to sex, what arouses people and gets them off runs the gamut. What works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. And one person’s idea of kinky dating can be another person’s idea of vanilla. But how you bring kinks into the bedroom is a very individual conversation or series of conversations to have.

“Kinks … are created through a complex interplay that research doesn’t fully understand of genetics, environment, and our experiences paired with sexually relevant contexts,” Rena McDaniel, a clinical sexologist, tells Bustle. “Sometimes kinks come from our brains pairing an otherwise non-sexual, neutral object, body part, or situation with a sexually relevant context. These pairings can happen at any point in our life.” For example, McDaniel explains, if you have a fantastic masturbation session on a blue couch, you could develop a kink for blue couches.

“Kink refers to something that turns you on, sexually, that also exists outside of our cultural norm of ‘traditional’ cis-heteronormative ‘vanilla’ sex,” Jamie J. LeClaire, sexuality educator, tells Bustle. “It can look like anything from activities under the BDSM umbrella, to fetishes, to roleplaying. Because, culturally, we have such a limited scope of what sex looks like missionary, kink really encompasses a wide range of activities, fantasies, and desires.”

Although a 2017 survey of 2,000 people by EdenFantasys found that almost half of Americans consider themselves kinky, bringing up that kink and introducing it to a partner — new or current — isn’t always easy. Bustle spoke to women and non-binary folks about how they introduce their kinks into the bedroom. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Morgan, 26

“I usually wind up talking to my partners for a decent amount of time before we hook up, so we already know what the other person is into by the point we finally get there. That buildup is 1) foreplay by itself, and 2) gives us time to hint at or actually talk about what we like, either in person or on the BDSM dating site. If I’m not comfortable enough to have a conversation with someone about what I enjoy in bed, what kinks I’m into, and vice versa, then I won’t be having kinky sex or any type of sex with that person at all. But I will say it’s much easier to drop a casual ‘I’m into BDSM, using toys, and getting tied up. Hbu?’ via text.”

2. Anonymous, 24

“I remember that my biggest experience introducing kinks into the bedroom was when I and my most serious partner (first sexual partner) had broken up but we’re still sleeping together. That experience was already heightened because it was somewhat taboo and then, as a result, we kind of got to rewrite the rules of our sexual relationship and things felt way more intense and fraught. I suggested names we could call each other. Like I could call him “Daddy,” and it was certainly a hit. It was a really gratifying experience of treading into the new territory of what we were into. We haven’t slept together for years, but it was formative in understanding what I like.”

3. Sarah, 35

“When I first realized I was into more kinky type stuff, introducing it to my partners wasn’t easy. Especially because of the negative feedback I got back then. But now I won’t go to bed with someone unless we’re sort of on the same page. If I meet someone on a dating app and we seem to have a connection, I make sure we cover what we’re into, in great detail, because I feel it’s best to get that out on the table right away. If I meet someone at a bar and am bringing them home for a one-night stand, I make sure during that walk home we talk about it. I don’t have to have kinky sex all the time, but because it is my preference and because I see it as a huge part of my sexuality, I really need to know that my partner, although maybe not kinky themselves, is open to experimenting.”

There’s no one way to have sex. So whether you are kinky or you’re not, the most important thing you can do is embrace it. Muting yourself and your sexual desires aren’t going to get you anywhere.