Everything You Need to Know About BDSM

BDSM, or Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism is a sexual practice that includes a variety of sexual identities and activities. BDSM is often regarded as this dark, freaky, non-normal kind of sexual preference, often forcing its players to retreat into the shadows and stick to carefully curated communities alienated from the majority of society.

BDSM participants identify themselves in one of three main ways: dominant, submissive, and switch (as oscillating between the first two). It’s important to remember that all of these identities are fluid and continuous, and can change depending on the participants’ mood or partner.

What is BDSM?

Bondage: A form of restricting a sexual player’s movement, for example, by ropes or handcuffs. This kind of restrainment can increase sexual enjoyment for some, and induce somatosensory (of warmth, coolness, pressure, pain) feelings in different areas of the body.

Discipline: A series of rules and punishments — all agreed upon before a sexual encounter begins — for a (usually) dominant partner to exert control over and dictate the actions of their (usually) submissive partner. The above-mentioned bondage can be a form of, and a vehicle for, discipline.

Dominance: The act of dominating a sexual partner, both in and out of sex. Sometimes, dominants have arrangements with their sexual partners in which they dictate (with the others’ consent) not only their partners’ behavior in bed but also behavior out of it — from food habits to sleep patterns.

Submission: The act of a submissive following their dominant’s actions. They have as much control over deciding what happens to them as their dominant does, even more so, perhaps. Communication between the dominant and submissive is of utmost importance, as that’s where boundaries are set, desires are shared, and permission is given.

Sadism and Masochism, or Sadomasochism: The pleasure that a BDSM participant derives from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism); this could also manifest as emotional pain in the form of humiliation. Yes, BDSM can be violent — if the word ‘violent’ is stripped of all negative associations. Called intense sensation play, BDSM can involve hitting, pinching or causing any other physical harm to a sexual partner — but this is all consensual. Consent is the key to a healthy expression of sado-masochism, with an understanding between all partners that the activity could stop at any moment should anybody be uncomfortable with the intensity of play.

How do people engaging in BDSM deal with consent?

Consent — when given in an uncoerced, enthusiastic, clear manner with boundaries outlined — makes a BDSM encounter a safe and inclusive sexual experience for all partners. Consent and boundaries can be outlined in a formal contract, a verbal agreement or a casual conversation. Consent is also not absolute — the desires and comfort of sexual players in BDSM are of the utmost value; if a player is uncomfortable anytime before or during the experience, they can easily revoke the consent, and other players must respect the change of heart. This can be done through previously agreed upon safe words, which when said, signal others to stop.

Limits, or boundaries, also take many forms: soft limits are activities with which a BDSM player is uncomfortable but might be willing to try. Safewords are especially important here. Hard limits, on the other hand, are a complete no-no under all circumstances.

Can BDSM be incorporated into vanilla sex?

BDSM can take many shapes — it is not only categorized by whips and leather, as seen in most pop culture depictions. The desire for discipline, sadomasochism, dominance or submission is an innate feeling, which can then translate to a variety of actions, be they light spanking or biting, using fuzzy handcuffs, even denying a partner an orgasm. Kink is a state of mind, and BDSM provides a wide spectrum that can accommodate the sexual desires of different intensities.

What makes someone inclined toward BDSM?

Kink, and the desire to engage in BDSM, can either be an innate desire, much like a child learning they’re queer, or, a kinky person can slowly realize their identity over time. People who don’t necessarily have the kink gene, so to speak, can find BDSM later in life — perhaps to spice up their relationships, or to find excitement in their sexuality.

Does undergoing trauma lead to an interest in BDSM?

Trauma itself isn’t a catalyst for a desire to engage in BDSM. However, BDSM can provide an encouraging and safe framework for trauma survivors, who might want to overcome their trauma by enacting it again — this time with control over the outcome. The usual care, respect, and communication that members of BDSM communities extend toward each other also make it a safe space for trauma survivors to assert and explore their sexuality.

Is everyone polyamorous in BDSM communities?

No, not necessarily. BDSM is alternative sexuality — that is, it deviates from what society considers the norm. Naturally, BDSM is also accepting of other alternative sexualities, such as polyamory (or consensual non-monogamy). BDSM communities are also welcoming of all queer sexualities. While a conflation or generalization of all alternate sexualities coalescing with each other is not fair — a dom-sub relationship could be monogamous, for instance — there is a definite overlap, as marginalized groups find acceptance with each other.

From detailed, comprehensive conversations before an act of BDSM to delineate boundaries and assert sexual needs, to open and honest communication and care after the act, the ethics of BDSM encompass a safe, respectful environment that can allow for unabashed exploration of sexual identity.

Click here to find your BDSM partner NOW!

How to start incorporating BDSM into your sex life

As we continue to get less uptight about what sex between two consenting adults is supposed to be like, more of us are letting our kinky dating flags fly. Americans apparently engage in the BDSM lifestyle at a greater rate than any other people in the world. We easily find sex partners on the BDSM dating site. Most recently, our appreciation for films devoted to the topic that — whether an accurate depiction of the BDSM lifestyle or not — have domestically grossed over $380 million combined.

If you foster a fairly vanilla sex routine and want to start toying with BDSM dating, there are important tips to consider before appropriately and safely integrating it into your relationship. Here are just a few of the most important, according to a trusted authority on the topic.

Talk about BDSM to your partner before jumping into anything

Say you want to explore BDSM — which stands for “Bondage, Discipline and Domination, Submission and Sadism, and Masochism” and implies a sexual behavior that involves both pleasure and pain. But your partner has never mentioned it. Don’t expect to bring it up on Friday, and then by Saturday have your partner in a gimp costume, tied to the wall by a complex series of rope-knots. In fact, initially, you might not even want to use the phrase BDSM at all, especially if you’ve never broached the topic before.

“I have an approach called ‘seeding,’” says Lola Jean, a dominatrix who leads workshops that aim to enlighten and educate people on how to live their best sex lives. The way you can plant a seed is to randomly tell your partner something like, “Hey, I was watching this documentary about these men who like women who throw them around and beat them up and they get off on it. Isn’t that interesting?” Bringing BDSM to play up without directly asking to try it could help gauge how open your partner is to the concept. Pay attention to and respect their response, and go from there.

When the time is right, casually bring the topic again. If your partner is receptive to how turned on you are by certain BDSM play, you can ask them if it’s something they’d be interested in learning more about. Or more forwardly, “What do you think about trying something like that out?”

But you should proceed with sensitivity, Jean says. If you seem too eager and propose a rather extreme scenario out of the gate, it could feel too aggressive, especially if they haven’t tried restraints or other common BDSM practices before. (Keep in mind that something as simple as hair-pulling could be a BDSM-lite starter.) But there is, of course, the serendipitous possibility that they’ve been fantasizing about it too.

The number one thing to keep in mind when thinking about incorporating even BDSM, if you will, into your relationship is prioritizing communication and consent. That starts outside of the bedroom (or coat closet or wherever you want to get freaky) and has thankfully been at the center of most conversations about successful and fruitful BDSM practices.

Be aware of the manner and volume at which you communicate during BDSM

If you’re the prospective dominant and begin experimenting with your submissive, don’t be so quick to raise your voice. Save that for later, perhaps when the submissive party may be more comfortable with the interactions you’ve established. In the meantime, though, shouting could either take them out of the “scene” or, worse, it could intimidate them into agreeing to something they don’t really want to do.

“True dominance is knowing that you may not necessarily know what you’re doing, or what’s next, or if you’re doing something accurately, but having calm and patience, [regardless],” Jean says. While BDSM is personal and can include behaviors that come off as aggressive, Jean says that raising your voice — at least out of nervousness, fear, or for intimidation purposes — doesn’t usually exhibit a desirable sense of control.

As a counterpoint, utilize silence to your advantage. “If you can be comfortable in silence, that’s actually an act of dominance, because you can be comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.” Jean sometimes tells her clients to “Dom like a strict mom,” because “moms use silence very, very well. They use silence and a look.”

Express which types of BDSM play you like and don’t like

Whether you’re the dominant or a submissive, especially early in your BDSM exploration, Jean says to express, explicitly, what you do and don’t want early in the game. Saying “no” helps develop not only a surface understanding of what you’re into or not into in a given scene, but also trust.

Remember that if you tell your partner “no” for whatever reason, it shouldn’t put an end to the experimentation as a whole. It will likely just make you both feel secure and confident moving forward. In establishing boundaries, you begin to realize, “Oh, I can say ‘no,’ and it’s fine; it’s respected and it’s not the end of the world,” Jean says.

6 Tips For Bondage Beginners

Now, you can easily find a partner on the bondage dating sites. If you are dating for the first time, please read the following 6 tips to make your first bondage dating safer and more enjoyable.

1. Negotiation and consent.

Before anyone gets tied up, you and your partner(s) need to have a negotiation about what’s going to happen. And in that negotiation, you have to talk about consent, Yin says. “You have to know how you’re going to actually explore,” they say. You could start exploring bondage in an experiential way, where no still means no. But you could also try a theme where the struggle is part of what makes bondage erotic. So, you’ll need to talk to your partner upfront about what you want.

“It’s not that you just say yes to bondage and then that means that you’re saying yes to everything that happens after you’re in bondage,” Yin says. There are multiple things you and your partner have to consent to, whether you’re the top or the bottom in the bondage situation. But especially if you’re the bottom (the one being tied up). Once someone is in bondage, Yin says, they might enter something called “subspace” and might no longer feel comfortable negotiating what they do and don’t want to try. So it’s essential to have negotiation and consent upfront.

2. Nerve damage.

Once you’re done with the negotiations and consent and other talking, there are some things you should know before tying someone up. Mainly, that certain areas are more prone to nerve damage than others. “Usually it’s around the elbows or the knees and especially the neck,” Yin says.

So, if you’re an idea of bondage comes from beautiful photos of Shibari-style knots, then you’ll have to adjust your expectations. “Going into it as a beginner, one must learn the basics and also understand that each person’s body has its own capabilities,” Yin says. Anyone who’s just starting out should never put rope near the neck because doing it wrong has the potential to cause serious damage.

3. Tingling.

If you’re the person being tied up, it’s important to tell your partner when you’re experiencing tingling in your fingers, toes, or anywhere else. That could be a sign that the rope is too tight or that you’re not in a comfortable position, Yin says. Tingling is fine for about 20 minutes, as long as it’s just a light tingle. But you should be able to move, to struggle against the rope (that’s part of the fun), and to move the rope around your skin.

When you’re tying someone up, Yin says to make sure their hands are below the heart and to get them into a position that’s going to be comfortable for them.

4. Safety.

Bondage dating is a kind of BDSM dating or kinky dating. When enjoying sexual stimulation, you should also pay attention to safety. When tying someone up, tighter might seem better. But that’s not true, Yin says. “If you’re the top, you want to be able to slip about two fingers underneath the rope, so that the rope can be moved around on the skin,” they say. That’s going to make bondage safer for the partner who’s on the bottom.

But, even if you’ve made the ropes loose enough, it’s important to have a pair of safety scissors like these close by, in case your partner needs to be cut out of the ropes quickly.

5. Types of rope.

A stretchy rope is best for beginners, right? Wrong. Rope that has any elastic in it is dangerous, especially for beginners, because you can’t tell how much give it will have, Yin, says. Instead, you’ll want to use a sturdy rope that moves nicely against the skin. “I tend to start my classes with nylon rope, because it slides nicely against the skin, is laid very flat, and is smooth,” Yin says. “And then we graduate on to either cotton or hemp rope, which are the natural fiber ropes that are going to be a little bit more sturdy for any knots.” Cotton and hemp are more likely to give rope burn, though, so they’re not essential for beginners.

6.Aftercare.

People who do bondage often practice something called aftercare, which involves sitting down with your partner afterward and talking about what you did and didn’t like. This is especially important for beginners since you don’t yet know what about bondage turns you on.

But don’t think that you can’t continue talking about it once that first sit-down is done. Aftercare can last days, Yin says. “If something comes up three days later and you think, ‘Oh my God, that was triggering something else for me,’ to share that with your partner or at least to be able to honestly pinpoint it for yourself is really important.”

So, once your first-time bondage is done, replay the experience again and again. Even if it doesn’t make you realize something that could have gone better, it’ll likely make you even more excited for the next time.

How To Bring Kinks Into The Bedroom, According To 3 People Who've Done It

When it comes to sex, what arouses people and gets them off runs the gamut. What works for one person isn’t necessarily going to work for another. And one person’s idea of kinky dating can be another person’s idea of vanilla. But how you bring kinks into the bedroom is a very individual conversation or series of conversations to have.

“Kinks … are created through a complex interplay that research doesn’t fully understand of genetics, environment, and our experiences paired with sexually relevant contexts,” Rena McDaniel, a clinical sexologist, tells Bustle. “Sometimes kinks come from our brains pairing an otherwise non-sexual, neutral object, body part, or situation with a sexually relevant context. These pairings can happen at any point in our life.” For example, McDaniel explains, if you have a fantastic masturbation session on a blue couch, you could develop a kink for blue couches.

“Kink refers to something that turns you on, sexually, that also exists outside of our cultural norm of ‘traditional’ cis-heteronormative ‘vanilla’ sex,” Jamie J. LeClaire, sexuality educator, tells Bustle. “It can look like anything from activities under the BDSM umbrella, to fetishes, to roleplaying. Because, culturally, we have such a limited scope of what sex looks like missionary, kink really encompasses a wide range of activities, fantasies, and desires.”

Although a 2017 survey of 2,000 people by EdenFantasys found that almost half of Americans consider themselves kinky, bringing up that kink and introducing it to a partner — new or current — isn’t always easy. Bustle spoke to women and non-binary folks about how they introduce their kinks into the bedroom. Here’s what they had to say.

1. Morgan, 26

“I usually wind up talking to my partners for a decent amount of time before we hook up, so we already know what the other person is into by the point we finally get there. That buildup is 1) foreplay by itself, and 2) gives us time to hint at or actually talk about what we like, either in person or on the BDSM dating site. If I’m not comfortable enough to have a conversation with someone about what I enjoy in bed, what kinks I’m into, and vice versa, then I won’t be having kinky sex or any type of sex with that person at all. But I will say it’s much easier to drop a casual ‘I’m into BDSM, using toys, and getting tied up. Hbu?’ via text.”

2. Anonymous, 24

“I remember that my biggest experience introducing kinks into the bedroom was when I and my most serious partner (first sexual partner) had broken up but we’re still sleeping together. That experience was already heightened because it was somewhat taboo and then, as a result, we kind of got to rewrite the rules of our sexual relationship and things felt way more intense and fraught. I suggested names we could call each other. Like I could call him “Daddy,” and it was certainly a hit. It was a really gratifying experience of treading into the new territory of what we were into. We haven’t slept together for years, but it was formative in understanding what I like.”

3. Sarah, 35

“When I first realized I was into more kinky type stuff, introducing it to my partners wasn’t easy. Especially because of the negative feedback I got back then. But now I won’t go to bed with someone unless we’re sort of on the same page. If I meet someone on a dating app and we seem to have a connection, I make sure we cover what we’re into, in great detail, because I feel it’s best to get that out on the table right away. If I meet someone at a bar and am bringing them home for a one-night stand, I make sure during that walk home we talk about it. I don’t have to have kinky sex all the time, but because it is my preference and because I see it as a huge part of my sexuality, I really need to know that my partner, although maybe not kinky themselves, is open to experimenting.”

There’s no one way to have sex. So whether you are kinky or you’re not, the most important thing you can do is embrace it. Muting yourself and your sexual desires aren’t going to get you anywhere.

Everything You Need to Know About BDSM

BDSM, or Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism is a sexual practice that includes a variety of sexual identities and activities. BDSM is often regarded as this dark, freaky, non-normal kind of sexual preference, often forcing its players to retreat into the shadows and stick to carefully curated communities alienated from the majority of society.

BDSM participants identify themselves in one of three main ways: dominant, submissive, and switch (as oscillating between the first two). It’s important to remember that all of these identities are fluid and continuous, and can change depending on the participants’ mood or partner.

What is BDSM?

Bondage: A form of restricting a sexual player’s movement, for example, by ropes or handcuffs. This kind of restrainment can increase sexual enjoyment for some, and induce somatosensory (of warmth, coolness, pressure, pain) feelings in different areas of the body.

Discipline: A series of rules and punishments — all agreed upon before a sexual encounter begins — for a (usually) dominant partner to exert control over and dictate the actions of their (usually) submissive partner. The above-mentioned bondage can be a form of, and a vehicle for, discipline.

Dominance: The act of dominating a sexual partner, both in and out of sex. Sometimes, dominants have arrangements with their sexual partners in which they dictate (with the others’ consent) not only their partners’ behavior in bed but also behavior out of it — from food habits to sleep patterns.

Submission: The act of a submissive following their dominant’s actions. They have as much control over deciding what happens to them as their dominant does, even more so, perhaps. Communication between the dominant and submissive is of utmost importance, as that’s where boundaries are set, desires are shared, and permission is given.

Sadism and Masochism, or Sadomasochism: The pleasure that a BDSM participant derives from either inflicting pain (sadism) or receiving pain (masochism); this could also manifest as emotional pain in the form of humiliation. Yes, BDSM can be violent — if the word ‘violent’ is stripped of all negative associations. Called intense sensation play, BDSM can involve hitting, pinching or causing any other physical harm to a sexual partner — but this is all consensual. Consent is the key to a healthy expression of sado-masochism, with an understanding between all partners that the activity could stop at any moment should anybody be uncomfortable with the intensity of play.

How do people engaging in BDSM deal with consent?

Consent — when given in an uncoerced, enthusiastic, clear manner with boundaries outlined — makes a BDSM encounter a safe and inclusive sexual experience for all partners. Consent and boundaries can be outlined in a formal contract, a verbal agreement or a casual conversation. Consent is also not absolute — the desires and comfort of sexual players in BDSM are of the utmost value; if a player is uncomfortable anytime before or during the experience, they can easily revoke the consent, and other players must respect the change of heart. This can be done through previously agreed upon safe words, which when said, signal others to stop.

Limits, or boundaries, also take many forms: soft limits are activities with which a BDSM player is uncomfortable but might be willing to try. Safewords are especially important here. Hard limits, on the other hand, are a complete no-no under all circumstances.

Can BDSM be incorporated into vanilla sex?

BDSM can take many shapes — it is not only categorized by whips and leather, as seen in most pop culture depictions. The desire for discipline, sadomasochism, dominance or submission is an innate feeling, which can then translate to a variety of actions, be they light spanking or biting, using fuzzy handcuffs, even denying a partner an orgasm. Kink is a state of mind, and BDSM provides a wide spectrum that can accommodate the sexual desires of different intensities.

What makes someone inclined toward BDSM?

Kink, and the desire to engage in BDSM, can either be an innate desire, much like a child learning they’re queer, or, a kinky person can slowly realize their identity over time. People who don’t necessarily have the kink gene, so to speak, can find BDSM later in life — perhaps to spice up their relationships, or to find excitement in their sexuality.

Does undergoing trauma lead to an interest in BDSM?

Trauma itself isn’t a catalyst for a desire to engage in BDSM. However, BDSM can provide an encouraging and safe framework for trauma survivors, who might want to overcome their trauma by enacting it again — this time with control over the outcome. The usual care, respect, and communication that members of BDSM communities extend toward each other also make it a safe space for trauma survivors to assert and explore their sexuality.

Is everyone polyamorous in BDSM communities?

No, not necessarily. BDSM is alternative sexuality — that is, it deviates from what society considers the norm. Naturally, BDSM is also accepting of other alternative sexualities, such as polyamory (or consensual non-monogamy). BDSM communities are also welcoming of all queer sexualities. While a conflation or generalization of all alternate sexualities coalescing with each other is not fair — a dom-sub relationship could be monogamous, for instance — there is a definite overlap, as marginalized groups find acceptance with each other.

From detailed, comprehensive conversations before an act of BDSM to delineate boundaries and assert sexual needs, to open and honest communication and care after the act, the ethics of BDSM encompass a safe, respectful environment that can allow for unabashed exploration of sexual identity.

Click here to find your BDSM partner NOW!

BDSM Culture Can Make Women More Assertive In Work, Relationships

“I don’t know how to explain it … but I have more clarity the morning after. It’s come to a point where my partner and I ensure we engage in a play scene before any big meetings I have. It really gives me the boost I need.”

R.P. is a 32-year-old consultant living in Mumbai. When she joined a high-powered consulting firm seven years ago, she found herself struggling to keep up with the pace and make herself heard.

“Around the same time, I got into a relationship with a man who was into BDSM [bondage and discipline; dominance and submission; sadism and masochism] and kink play. He introduced me to it and I instantly took a liking to it,” R.P. says. “Surprisingly, I found myself gravitating towards the role of the Dominant. Within the confines of a loving and safe space with a partner I trusted, I was able to assert myself in ways I couldn’t outside my bedroom. Slowly, I began to notice that especially on days after we had engaged in a play scene, I would feel more focussed, composed and clear-headed. It was almost as if the satisfied feeling I felt in bed, in that position of power, flowed over the next day. I feel like I know more about myself — my mind and my body.”

According to recent research by Dr. Brad Sagarin, a professor of psychology at Northern Illinois University, kinks such as BDSM alter the blood flow pattern in the brain, creating altered states of consciousness. For those who assume the dominant position in BDSM, these mental states are called “flow” — the term popularized by positive psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. Flow is defined as an “optimal state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best.” It’s a state of hyperawareness, laser focus, and euphoria, which resonates with R.P.’s experience. “I just feel more brave, if that makes sense,” she says. Sagarin’s research confirms just that. The study found that people who regularly experience flow as an effect of dominant BDSM roles report improved concentration, clarity about goals, decision-making skills, and listening and intuitive skills. They also demonstrate lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol, less self-consciousness and less aversion to risk.

The study also found those taking on submissive roles in BDSM play experience “transient hypofrontality,” a peaceful, dreamlike state, often compared to a runner’s high or described as being “in the zone.” Creativity and productivity peak in this state of decreased self-awareness.

R.P. explains how her female friends from the free BDSM dating site have discussed this before: “Sometimes when we share — and we’re all doms — our experiences with each other, we all agree that we are in a great mood throughout the next day and feel more energized and creative. It’s like a strange high, knowing what we did the previous night.”

People who experience either of these altered mental states report higher levels of happiness, creativity, and productivity for up to three days after, according to research by Harvard University professor Teresa Amabile. They also report transferring the focus, confidence, concentration, and decision-making skills of BDSM into everyday life. It is no wonder, then, that people who engage in BDSM are less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection, and have higher subjective well-being outside the bedroom, according to a 2016 study on the psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners.

Additionally, partners who engage in sadomasochism are more connected and more intimate than those who do not engage in it, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior. The honest expression of one’s fantasies and desires, and consensually, respectfully and safely executing that as a BDSM scene, requires a high level of communication and trust between partners — a feature regularly absent from non-kinky or “vanilla” sex, as the BDSM community calls it.

“My boyfriend and I have definitely become much closer since we started exploring this space together. We don’t lie to each other in our relationship — white lies not included, and even those we mostly confess — because the trust between us is the same, inside and outside the bedroom,” says R.P. “There’s very little drama and if we ever fight, we usually resolve it by talking to each other. But it almost never reaches that point because every day, in a way, we tell each other about what it is that we want from the other person and what we don’t. It’s like learning how to negotiate with another person.”

Women have traditionally been discouraged from developing such open and clear communication skills. In 2018, former dominatrix, Kasia Urbaniak started The Academy, a school to teach women the “foundations of power and influence” via month-long female empowerment sessions in New York. Speaking to The Guardian, she says: “It’s about the communications that women carry that either make them go speechless, or afraid of coming across as too bossy or too needy.” Urbaniak explains that by being in the dominant role of BDSM, women learn to project their strength and attention outward. It’s a skill they can then use to flip the power dynamic in the outside world, where women are forced to turn their attention inward, with self-doubt and over-analysis.

A barrage of recent research hints at the effects of empowerment via BDSM: people with sexual kinks or fetishes, such as BDSM, group sex, or role-play, have better mental health, less psychological stress, higher self-worth, and more satisfying relationships.

Not everyone is convinced of BDSM’s benefits, however. The feminist sex wars over BDSM’s potential for women’s empowerment rage on, with one side seeing BDSM as a way to explore and enable female sexuality, and the other side seeing it as yet another manifestation of the hyper-masculine, patriarchal order’s violent idea of sex. But, as a black lesbian poet and feminist writer Audrey Lorde puts it in a personal essay, embracing the erotic fosters a deep and irreplaceable “self-connection and fearless underlining of [one’s] capacity for joy.” Released of social context, when examined in individual’s lives and homes, BDSM seems to allow, well, release. And that kind of release writes Lorde, “flows through and colors my life with a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all my experience.”

So, click here to find your partner on free dating sites and start your BDSM games!

11 BDSM Games Everyone Should Try at Least Once

If you’re curious about trying BDSM, it might be tempting to run out right now and spend a paycheck on leather gear. But it’s important for newbies to start with the basics. Take time to carefully explore each kink that makes up BDSM—bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism—and pencil in time to go over safety words and limits beforehand. “A lot of people have this idea that BDSM is wild and unrestricted, but there's a great deal of education and care that goes into doing BDSM properly,” says Vanessa Marin, Los Angeles-based sex therapist and creator of Finishing School: Learn How To Orgasm.

Couples who really are brand spanking new (ugh, sorry) might want to try these entry-level BDSM games suggested by Marin and Lanae St. John, a sexologist and a professor of human sexuality at City College of San Francisco.

1. To start off with, Marin suggests a simple “Yes sir/ma’am” during sex.

Not only is it super-hot, but using dirty talk to experiment with dominant and submissive roles is a low-pressure way to figure out which roles you each prefer.

2. Have a kink-themed game night to locate non-vanilla erogenous zones on each others’ bodies.

Find a set of erotic dice that display a body part along with an action to be performed. You might roll some laughable combinations (pinch a toe?), but you might also find hot spots in places you’d never expect.

3. Use a blindfold on one partner during foreplay or sex.

It puts the blindfolded partner completely at the mercy of the seeing one, and the restricting sight makes all the other sensations erotically heightened. A silk sash or men's tie can also work great here.

4. While the blindfolded partner lies down, the seeing partner runs a feather, fingernails, fur, or leather over their skin.

St. John and Marin both recommend this kind of sensory play for beginners. Take your time and really tease your partner.

5. Ramp up the intensity with temperature play.

Run an ice cube over their stomach, give them a warm oil massage or drip melted candle wax on their stomach. (But not the Anthro candle on your nightstand! St. John points out that you should find a candle specifically meant for this play at your local sex shop. They're usually labeled "massage candles" just FYI.)

6. If hair-pulling and spanking are already your go-tos during sex, have the spanker swap out his/her hand for a paddle or wooden kitchen spoon.

Adding some sort of accessory, even if it's not overtly sexy, can be a huge turn-on. Good luck ever looking at your kitchen the same way again!

7. Role plays a scenario inspired by the power dynamic that turns you on.

Now that you’re more familiar with what you both like, apply it to a passionate scene (i.e. “stern teacher disciplining the naughty student”). If the idea of improv stresses you out, come up with a few lines beforehand to get things going.

8. Try a discipline-oriented sexting game in which the dominant partner creates a set of rules and restrictions for the submissive partner to follow.

Like what to wear to work, what to order for lunch. For each rule they break, they get a specific punishment that evening.

9. Tease each other visually with latex, leather, or pleather fetishwear.

A corset, super-tight “hobble skirt” (think Morticia Addams), high platforms—anything that makes you feel sexy. Studies have shown that feeling confident in your body is directly linked to female orgasm, says Marin. For a specifically submissive and/or gender-neutral option, try a collar.

10. Restrain the submissive partner’s wrists with a tie, allowing the partner on top to fully take charge.

When tying the restraints, Marin cautions to make sure to keep two fingers' worth of space between the restraint and the skin to avoid nerve damage. Eventually, you can graduate to four-point restraints (both wrists and ankles) and/or bondage handcuffs.

11. Don’t forget aftercare!

After a powerful game, the submissive partner can sometimes experience a steep endorphin crash, and the dominant partner’s role in this phase is to give them lots of TLC. Take a moment to cuddle and decompress. This is also the time to check in with each other and discuss the experience. What did you enjoy the most? Did anything surprise you? What would you want to experiment further and try for next time? Good BDSM play puts just as much emphasis on communication before, during, and after sex.

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